The BHGF: Ties

Weekly Contributor: Burke Hair*

Hey! You, the one with your shirt unbuttoned to your navel like you're in some Calvin Klein ad.

Your neck looks pretty empty, man.  You could use some fashion up in that general area.  Luckily for you, I know just the thing: a tie.

That's right.  Ties: it's just fashion for your neck.

Allow me to educate you on your tie options, and give you a little background information on each one so that you can make an informed decision in regards to dressing your naked throat.  

Neck Ties - Fun for the whole family

The Neck Tie

The simple neck tie is an obvious choice in under the chin fashion. If you enjoy things that are boring and taking family photographs in oversized denim shirts, then this is the choice for you. Another great thing about the neck tie is that it comes in such a wide variety of colors, patterns, and cartoon characters.  Let the entire world know about your unnatural affinity toward Bugs Bunny with a Warner Bros. themed tie!  

The Bow Tie

The Bow Tie - A perfect partnership 
with suspenders

If you wear glasses, enjoy suspenders, and carry extra writing implements in your pocket, then you might be a bow tie kind of guy.  Traditionally, bow ties are the chosen type of tie for tuxedos.  I, however, reject this.  Bow ties are not cool and can never be such.  If you like doing things that aren't cool (a few suggestions: math, thumbs up, or wearing white socks with dress shoes), feel free to throw on a bow tie.  Just remember that Urkel, from Family Matters, frequently displayed this fashion.  

The Ascot

The Ascot - It lets your neck say, 
"I'm better than you"

If you happen to be royalty, then you might think about wearing an ascot.  This fashion piece is for those who have thought to themselves, "I wish there was some way that I could differentiate myself fashion-wise from these plebeians that I work with. Stupid plebes."

The String Tie

The String Tie - The #1 choice in neck 
wear of 19th century card dealers

The string tie is that rare piece of dress that immediately labels you as "racist," along with white hoods, swastika armbands, and NASCAR t-shirts.  

The String Tie - Might I also 
suggest an all white suit?

 

The Bolo Tie

The Bolo Tie - The white man's gold chain

The bolo tie is the ultimate in western men's fashion.  Do you ever find that you wish you could incorporate belt buckles in more places than just on your belt?  If your answer is "yes," then check out the bolo tie.  The customization options are infinite because you can throw all kinds of crazy buckle-looking things on it.  You can even customize the caps that go on the ends of the strings, like fancy shoelaces.  I've seen some bolo ties with empty bullet shells on the end, which lets everyone know that you mean business. 

The Bolo Tie - If it's good enough for the Boss...

The Bandana

If you wear chaps, then you have no choice but to wear a bandana around your neck.  A bandana is the perfect way to make any look more casual.  Putting a bandana on says to the world, "I live by my own rules and practice a western brand of moral justice." If you don't carry some sort of pistol, then you should strongly consider not wearing a bandana.

The Bandana - Totally not gay on cowboys

*Disclaimer:  Burke Hair's views on fashion are his own and are not shared by this blog or Annaleah Garing.  In fact, this blog is appalled by his fashion sense. To avoid being the laughing stock of the fashion world, you should probably do the opposite of everything that he says.